i guess it’s one of those things, it’s completely out of my hands, out of anyone’s hands, for that matter. and i feel i deserve it, because, well, you know all about that, don’t you? we’ve seen it like a thousand times, and then again another hundred times. and it’s always the same old shit: someone else is going to beat you to it; and then, when all is said and done, we can all look back and proudly say: FUCK!
it’s always about a girl, or in this case, three. yeah, i can see you laughing. no? maybe on the inside? all right, that’s what i’m talking about! so, three girls, one guy: not as sexy as it sounds. i say it’s three, but in the end it’s always about THE one. it’s a puzzler, mindfuck if i may. all those sick, twisted games we play; to give in is to lose ground; and if you lose the edge, well, you’re gonna be in disadvantage (obviously). SO, back to the job at hand, the one is far, far away, literally and metaphorically, the whole shabang. it was good, while it lasted, some may say i overrated it, others may say i underrated it, but in the end, she lays down every night on someone elses arms; and THAT’S what kills every guy from the inside out.
ANYWAY, the number two it’s just a playtoy. i’m not ashamed to say that because i’ve been a playtoy countless times, now it’s time to give it back. yes, i do feel dirty (and not in the good way) about this, but what can i do? i don’t have “special feelings” for her; i’m sure she does NOT have those for me, so who are we kidding? you can call me whatever you want, except hipocrite and liar, coz it’s two things that I AM NOT. i’m sure she might be doing someone else at this very moment and you don’t see me calling her bitch. it’s just the way it is, like i said before.
then there is number three. three time’s a charm? OH YES! i recently received a package from her. it was a book and it came with the nicest letters of all. she wants me to go back to where i lived before, because she can’t stand being away from me. yes, it makes me wonder why, why didn’t she said that BEFORE i moved away? it might not be relevant, because i needed to get away from there anyway, but it would be nice to hear it in person for a change. well, what can i say, it’s like that song Separate Ways: “Though we touched and went our separate ways”. we did touched and then each one took their own path, but i can’t help wonder what could have been, where would i be right now if that worked out. choices, the fucking choices again. there should have a “repeat” or “load last saved” button in life, like checkpoints, so you could go back and make a different choice, maybe for the sake of curiosity, just to see where it leads you. too bad there is no such thing. sex was amazing though; i guess that’s what makes me want to go back. not JUST that, i might add. i do like her, she came into my life in a very, very tough time for me (talk about perfect timing), and she helped me understand how i really am and who really cares for me, and for that i will be grateful forever. but the sex was amazing!
yeah, always about a girl, or some. just to be clear, they were not with me at the same time, there was a space of time between them, just so you know that i’m not that kind of guy, although it sounds like i am. maybe i am, maybe i can’t see it because i’m too close to it to understand. but i think i’m not! i’m always the weak link in the relationship, and i’m not saying that just to make you think “oh no, poor baby”, i hate condescension and i don’t want to be patronized, please. life’s hard, a fucking battle, no one is saint and, most of all, I DON’T WANT TO BE SAINT.
at least i’ve got some time to figure this all out; but time… time is running out! better safe than sorry, that’s the shit, that’s my middle name.